Walt Rubel Commentary: Too hot to focus on anything else

Boy, it sure is hot today. 

How hot is it?

It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home it was toast. It’s so hot my grandfather’s chicken laid an omelet. It’s so hot his cows are producing evaporated milk. It’s so hot the catfish are fried by the time you reel them in.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty disrobed. It’s so hot I went to Congress just to be around some shady characters. It’s so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they were walking. It’s so hot I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.  It’s so hot I saw a squirrel collecting nuts with oven mitts on.

It’s so hot I saw a funeral procession detour into a Dairy Queen drive-through. It’s so hot my cheeks get a steam treatment everytime I sit on the toilet. It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing. It’s so hot Jesus turned the wine back into water. It’s so hot the devil is worried about staying hydrated.

It’s so hot Bill Cosby is sleeping with his wife just to get the cold shoulder. It’s so hot I intentionally leave the toilet seat up to get icy stares from my wife. It’s so hot the ice cream man had to change the sign on his truck to “Cream.”

It’s so hot my children's crayons are now watercolors. It’s so hot my iceberg lettuce melted. It’s so hot my apple juice fermented into wine. It’s so hot I saw a bee take off its yellowjacket. It’s so hot the corn in Nebraska started popping in the field.

It’s so hot I poured McDonald’s coffee on my lap to cool down. It’s so hot Coldplay won’t work on my stereo. It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time. It’s so hot we’re all either wearing sweatpants or hot pants.

It’s so hot asphalt is available in both a solid and a liquid. It’s so hot the sand on the beach has turned to glass.

It’s so hot that instead of writing a proper column this week, I stole a 50-year-old concept from Johnny Carson, then went to the Internet for bad jokes. Because it’s too hot to focus on anything else.

According to The Weather Channel, it’s been 100 degrees or hotter every day since July 2, and every day but two since June 20. On both of those days the high reached 99. And, the string of triple-digit temperatures isn’t forecast to end until the very last day of the month.

By the time it’s over, this will clearly be the hottest summer on record. And not just for us. The hottest days on record globally have been this month. That dates back at least to the 1970s, when we first developed the technology to calculate global temperatures. Some scientists argue that it goes back much further than that, for thousands of years.

There is legitimate debate as to how we should best address this problem in a world that has so many diverse energy needs and means of production. But is anybody still arguing that there isn’t a problem?

I moved here more than 20 years ago, and thought I had become acclimatized to our summers. It sure feels that way everytime I go up north and start shivering.

When I arrived in 2002, Burn Lake was a lake. The city’s Fourth of July fireworks show was constantly plagued by rain. The hot season in June gave way to the monsoons of July. And even on the 100-degree days, it would cool down at night.

This year, it’s so hot that by the time evening rolls around, I’m worn out. And that’s no joke.


Walter Rubel can be reached at [email protected].

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